Reflections at 25

Reflections at 25

Two days later and the feeling is still sinking in.

I feel a paradigm shift as if one particular phase of my life is now over. 25 – The age which signifies the transition to maturity. You are on the way to be defined as an adult now; no more of the young adult stuff anymore. Hell! Adele even wrote a whole album about it.

As the days passed from January to March and the date came closer to mark the event, I couldn’t help, but think about this momentous occasion. Another milestone like this will now come when I am 50 years old (if I live that long ;-) Therefore, I felt the need to take a moment to pause and reflect on how my life has been so far.

Note: This is a deeply personal and a very lengthy blog post. Hence, feel free to go back; otherwise you may fall asleep while reading it. I sincerely hope that you don’t.

First things first.. let me focus on the negative things that have bogged me down and have consumed most of my waking moments these past years.

Courage

I once had a dream, where I saw myself as Shinchan standing in front of the actor who played Jesus from the old Jesus of Nazreth movie. He was wearing a checks shirt and formal pants, sitting on a plastic chair, wearing chappals.

He asked me, “Tell me, what the one thing you want deeply is?”

I replied, with my head bent, “Give me courage.”

To this he replied, “Son, courage can’t be given to you. You have to discover it within yourself.”

Don’t ask me why I resembled Shinchan or why I saw Jesus like that, but the point is I always felt I never had courage in me. I wish I had courage to stand up to my father, to my friends, to the guys who made my life hell in school & college. I wish I opened my mouth and burst like a firework when the situation required me for it.

However, when the situation asked for it, I never found the courage, not a shred of it in me. I don’t know what He meant by discovering within myself. It is maddening!

This leads to me another point..

Fear

We all have felt fear in our lives. Anyone who says they are fearless, are just cowards who are faking it.

The first time I genuinely felt fear was when I was 15. I was going through the file kept by the bedside cabinet as my mom sat talking animatedly with her friend, while we were visiting her in the hospital in December 2006. A single report in me left a fear so dreaded; it continues to haunt me till this day.

It was the day when I discovered she was HIV positive. She saw me going through the file and immediately snatched it away, yelling at me for messing up stuff.

How silly of me! I foolishly prayed that night to Jesus to cure her, to give me the disease and make her fine again. I remember those tears, those cries for pleas, hoping against hope that my voice reaches the benevolent one and deliver my mother from the brink of death.

If He could bring back Lazarus, why not her?

Six years later, I felt the same bone-chilling fear, when I got the dreadful call from my sister to come home as something was happening to my dad.

I was 20 years old now and already working for the last 3 years. Those childish beliefs were gone and replaced with pragmatism.

Yet, as I raced from hospital to hospital, trying to catch up with my family, I was engulfed by the very fear I was trying to keep at bay. When I sat in front of the doctor and saw the ECG graph upside down, the barrier broke and consumed every tiny bit of light inside of me.

Of course! I am not saying these are the only two moments, when I felt fear. Many friends of mine will tell you hilarious tales of me getting frightened by the traffic cops, by dogs, by speeding, by loud sounds, etc. These past 5 years, almost every other thing scares me now. Be it the fear of my future or the fear of my existence or the fear of a loveless life, something or the other bothers me. I am always in a state of perpetual anxiety by over thinking about the simplest of things.

Let’s move on to the next one now..

Personality

What is my persona?

This question always bothers me.

I wonder how I come across people when they meet me or see me for the first time.
When I was in my late teens, I could see people noticing my pockmarked face as their eyes roved over the scars left on my face by the countless acne over the years. Nowadays, I notice their eyes roving my grey hair and also, making a note of my receding hairline.

I have absolutely no dressing sense (having never bothered with clothes that much) All the clothes that I own are due to my brother’s dressing sense or my sister’s impeccable choices. Some of my choicest outfits were given to me as birthday presents from friends. The very rare occasions when I actually bought some stuff was thanks to my friends accompanying me for shopping trips.

My ever-fluctuating weight, unhealthy lifestyle, stress and sedentary job had left me with a belly, which thankfully now makes protruding appearances infrequently. Once when I turned on the front camera on my sister’s phone, it scanned my face and predicted my age to be 30 years old!!

I am humorless; you might have guessed that already by the lack of humor in my writing. Nor am I the life of the party. I get easily lost in the crowd and lose interest at the slightest. It is difficult I know.

Maybe that is the very same reason why I may have never looked appealing to others.

Moving on, coming to the next point of...

Promiscuous

There is a very beautiful song made by the artist Lil Wayne ‘How to Love’, which I relate to so much.

While studying for my final graduation year in 2012, I once read in my Psychology text book that the possible outcome of a child being molested can b either: 1) the kid goes in a depressive state or 2) the kid enjoys the act. I did not know how to react to this.

The cousin who molested me back, when I was 13 years old is married and I guess, has two kids of his own now. He is a couple of years older than me.

Never once did it occur to him to think of what impact his actions might take on me. Never did he pause to contemplate it. To satisfy his raging teenage hormones, he chose me.

Today, I confess I am ashamed of this incident. Never did it occur what he was actually doing to me. It is really hard to admit all these things after so many years and I am thinking twice whether I should write about this incident here.

Nevertheless, his act turned me into a promiscuous teenager and continued all the way through my adulthood. So mindless was my lust for sex, I never stopped to think even once how I was damaging myself and wounding my body. It was insanity. The deprivation drove me further.

I also partly blame this to the phenomenon of peer pressure. All my friends were getting into relationships and boasting about how they were getting ‘lucky’, while I reflected sadly on how unattractive I looked to the members of the opposite sex. Indeed! One girl even turned me down and later, I learnt from a common friend that she thought of me as a rapist! Ah! The irony of it made me laugh!

As the night passed by on the night of 5th March 2017, I reflected back and realized how I wish I had never discovered about sex at all, until the time was right.

Existence

What is the purpose of my existence?

This question baffles me, just like million others are baffled by it. I have been working since I was 17 years old. All these years in the service sector has lead me to meet some of the dearest friends and people to whom I have grown close to over the years.

I look around and see all of us dealing us with so many situations in our lives.
My existence has now been stripped down to the meager wait from one salary day to another. I find fleeting moments of joy in hanging out with friends, those stolen vacations, but the sadness seems to last forever. It is never far..

Whew!

So many things!

I am not a pessimist, trust me. The whole point of writing all these above points was to hold a mirror to myself and reflect back on how I have lived my life so far. I have allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, (which I feel is the most dangerous emotion a human can ever experience) self-depreciation, negative thinking, hopelessness, anxiety, stress, depression and so many negative anchors.

Just think about it! A guy who just completed 25 years of age is bogged down by so many factors, which should not be there in the first place! At this age, when people live and enjoy their youth, I chose this path that has lead me to not enjoy the gift of an ordinary life at all! There are situations that I have no control over and there are situations that I choose not to have any control over.

However..

As I now begin this journey to a new year of my life, I want to turn things around for me.

I wish I could turn back time to the good old days and tell myself the following:

My Love,

There is a time for everything in life.

The lack of something at this particular moment doesn’t necessarily mean that you would not ever get to experience it. And if you don’t, then consider it as never being part of your destiny.

There are people who will come in your life and then go away one day. Let them go! Their part in your story is now over. You are going to meet new people, who will bring along new experiences.

Those who choose to stay back with you, count them as your blessings, for they chose you among everyone else they know.

Learn to enjoy the simplest of things – clean water, food at the table, a decent job, the company of your siblings, the time of your friends, roof over your head and so many other countless blessings.

Always aspire to reach higher. Jump up. Have faith in yourself. Never fear the fall that may be inevitable, but think about the altitude that you would have scaled up.

If you don’t search for light, you will always be in darkness forever. Do not stay in the darkness forever due to the fear of the spotlight you cast on yourself.

Learn to forgive and love yourself.

Be UNAPOLOGETIC!

The world will continue to judge and label you based on your money, status, religion, sexuality and other absurd things. It is YOU who is living this life, no one else.

Go and enjoy this life every single day! Life is too unpredictable to over think and waste every moment of it.
Go and make memories! Someday, you will be very glad that you did.

If you have really read the entire thing till this point, I am really amazed!

Here’s looking forward to reach the next milestone.

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